"QUANTUM OF SOLACE"

The Mediterranean

Low profile sports cars with stick shifts, revving engines and screaming tires

Tough and sexy thin girl that is seeking revenge against killers of her family and is at odds with Bond, but we all know they will have sex

Monte Carlo or Port Au Prince or Italy or other exotic international locale with lots of small, one-way, cobbled streets

An American Idiot (what else)

Car chase

Boat chase

Aircraft chase

Beautiful Judy Dench as M using face cream in an incredible bathroom

Martinis in pretty glasses at a glittering bar with a slick international bartender

Violence that would kill you, but only leaves a little dirt and a few well placed scratches on Bond and the Bond girl

Double agents who infiltrate everywhere

Villains without conscience who kill on a whim and want to sexually abuse the Bond girl

Extravagant resorts and hotels with shiny entrances, doormen and women in slinky dresses being escorted in by dudes in tuxes

A villain's yacht with lots of his villain henchmen in sleek smaller boats that chase Bond in his speedy working man's boat

Bond, tougher than nails, able to kill with one shot after leaping from one to the other of many badly maintained Mediterranean roof tiled structures while chasing his prey

Bond, dispassionately able to look his adversary in the eye and release his hold on the man's lapels allowing him to fall many stories down and land on the hood of a car full of villains, one of whom gets out of the car and shoots the man who is struggling off of the hood

A beautiful girl sent to manhandle Bond (ha) and ends up having sex with him but after he leaves, she gets killed and covered in oil by the villains while on the bed

Bond, being doubted by M, being ostracized as a rebel spy, but coming out smelling like a rose

OK. That's about it in a nutshell. It was mediocre, as expected. I didn't fall asleep although my eyes were heavy.

Rating for Quantum of Solace:

"ERNEST GOES TO JAIL"

Viewed at home on Netflix Instant Watch.

OK. I think I told you my tastes in movies covered a very wide range. When you consider that my favorite movies are Italian, like the Bicycle Thief and Divorce Italian Style and La Strada, it's probably hard to see how I could like the movie Ernest Goes to Jail. But I do.

1949 - 2000

Jim Varney. Without him, there would have been no "Ernest Goest To Jail". He is the reason this movie was made and the main reason that it is so funny. His rubber like face contorts into shapes that boggle the mind. The ever present, non changing uniform of jeans, tee shirt, jeans vest and ball cap. The absolute silliness. The moments when he feigns a dignified air and spouts Shakespearean gibberish. His innocence in a world of cynics. He is a a very likeable character.

The plot revolves around him in his job as bank janitor which, through a series of events, leads to him ending up in jail but eventually saving the day. Two bumbling security guards at the bank provide additional hilarity. One of the guards named Chuck is played by Gailard Sartain. I looked him up on Wikipedia and it appears that not only is he a talented comedic actor, but a very successful artist. Here's a website showing some of his art - I'm impressed. I love his performance in this movie and I wouldn't be surprised if Kevin James in Mall Cop (see my 1/29/09 movie review) based some of his character on that of Chuck in this movie. Both are big men, both light on their feet and both serious about their jobs to the point of ridiculousness. When Chuck dances to a Latin tango, oblivious to mayhem taking place in the bank, I'm hooked. His sidekick, Bobby, played by Bill Byrges, is the direct opposite of Chuck. Scrawny, false teeth missing, buggy eyed, a character very similar to Barney Fife in the Andy Griffith Show, only he never speaks (I think once in the entire movie). Here are Bobby and Chuck.

Jim Varney made several other Ernest movies and we did not enjoy them as much. This is the best one in our opinion and one that we will continue to watch occasionally just because it's guaranteed to make you laugh. Every few years, when we watch it, we feel a twinge of sadness to know that this talented guy is no longer around.

In closing, here's one of the most hilarious scenes in the movie. If you don't laugh, I think you might need to have your funny bone examined.

Rating for "Ernest Goes To Jail:

"Watchmen"

Viewed at the local Metrolux. Rated R and I went knowing I would probably have to shut my eyes in certain parts.

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I walked out in the garage where MerleMan was working on something. "I want to go see Watchmen", says I of the "urge to do SOMETHING - TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE". Roger Ebert gives it 4 stars and says it's good."

MerleMan eyeballs me as his mind, otherwise occupied with said task, starts to awaken to the proposed prospect of going to the movies and seeing superheroes. "That sounds OK."

It's a matinee at 5:10p, so we think we'd better to eat our dinner first - homemade green chili stew and flour tortillas. We decide to take our dessert with us and eat it in the movies - a big square of the chocolatey-est chocolate cake from the grocery story where they charge you $2.50 a slice. Just think how much they make on one sheet cake. "Better put that in a quieter container", says MerleMan who hates the sound of someone chewing gum or the rattle of candy wrappers or popcorn masticating (look it up). I had already planned to do just that and so I proceeded to transfer the decadent, moist, mouthwatering cake-iness to a nice plastic and virtually soundless container along with a napkin, two plastic forks and a small bottle of milk nestled in my backpack with those blue cold things from the freezer. We hit the road.

I write all of that stuff above because the movie isn't going to take up much space here. OK. It wasn't boring, at the least parts I could watch. It was VERY violent. It had violent cutting off of arms, violent sex, violent smashing of faces, heads, kicking of faces and bodies, sharp glass cutting human flesh, numerous crunchings of broken femurs and such, shootings, clubbings and pools, no, not pools, but lakes and seas of thick viscous blood. It had a particularly gruesome business about a 6 year old kidnapped little girl, one of the numerous times I had to shut my eyes. I could still hear and occasionally I would peek a bit to see if the really bad parts were over - they weren't. I remember telling myself "You knew it was R rated, you were the one who really wanted to see it, so you cannot complain. This is what you get when you decide to go to an R rated movie that says "violence, sexuality, language". What did you expect?"

Well, of course, the whole movie wasn't just violence, only about 85% of it. Some parts were quite funny. In fact, I suspect that much of it was supposed to be funny. The special effects were pretty great. There's a big blue guy who was a regular human until he had an accident with radiation and he's interesting..... a deep, naked thinker. There's a superhero girl who of course, kicks some serious butt and bares her own upon occasion adding to the great enjoyment of all the males in the audience.

I guess I needed to read the DC Comic book about these characters and maybe I would have been able to get into it a bit more. As it was, the story was back and forth and a little choppy in jumping from one scene to the next. The world faces annihilation, the Watchmen could be getting killed off, is one of the superheroes the villain?, will the superhero girl and the superhero guy who looks vaguely like an owl get it on? (yes, they will - in the superhero aircraft that looks like a fat, stubby pickle).

I read the entire Roger Ebert review after I got home and I don't know how he came up with such a high opinion of this movie. He obviously is much more intelligent and sophisticated than poor little moi because he was able to really write a boatload of highly complimentary "stuff" about it. I just couldn't relate although I could agree it possibly had a few intelligent moments. They were just spaced way too much apart to allow this movie to be considered well done.

HOWEVER. I did think the best part of the movie was the opening credits - they really were different, creative and fantastic. Totally the best opening credits I've ever seen - really. They grabbed me right away and I was primed for this movie. Sadly, though, it never measured up to it's wonderful beginning. It's almost like they wasted all of their best creative efforts on the first 5 minutes of the movie.

Rating for "Watchmen"

"Vatel"

This is a movie I watched on Netflix Instant Watch. I love this movie! I saw it several years ago (rented) and watched it again for probably the 4th time a couple of evenings ago. It is beautiful to look at. The acting is great. The story (based upon a true one) is wonderful.

It's back in the day of Louis the XIV. His self absorbed kingship decides to honor one of his subjects who owns a beautiful French country estate, with a lengthy visit. He arrives in full regalia with his court entourage of beautiful concubines, his wife (the Queen), her handmaidens (concubines), a brother of a gay sort with his own entourage and then Tim Roth, who plays Marquis de Lauzun, a creepy "ear to the King" guy. However, it's the French estate and it's master steward that are the heart of the film. The master steward, named Vatel, is played by Gérard Depardieu, a big, kind hearted man with incredible talent for creating foods and events such as this one that he orchestrates. The food preparation, the hot, crowded noisy basement kitchens filled with all foods imaginable, the artistically designed pastry, the dessert - incredible. The sumptuousness of it all is so much fun to watch. In addition, the various stage settings that are designed for the King's amusement are quite breathtaking. Opulence taken to the extreme. It's beautiful and it's incredibly wasteful, but this was Louis the XIV, don't you know.

Uma Thurman plays one of the Queen's handmaidens who is at the beck and call of the King for his sexual pleasure. She is attracted to Vatel and he to her. However, the Marquis de Lauzun is attracted to her and pursues her in fashion that might be described as sleazy, sexual snake style. I don't know what else to call it. His pompadour wig is big with a sort of Elvis swoopy thing on top that makes you want to laugh. Suffice to say, Tim Roth pulls it off in a fascinatingly decadent way.

I won't give away more. It has to be seen. Although I don't believe it was a box office smash, it's one of those sleeper movies that most people (probably most women) will totally enjoy.

Rating for "Vatel"